A Review of 2019 in Twinks!

Golly, golly, gosh! What a whirlwind year it’s been. Brits were hooked when RuPaul’s Drag Race flew over from the states and crowned The Vivienne the UK’s top drag queen. Brexit madness continued with a new Prime Minister at the helm and we didn’t hear a peep from twink of the century Tom Daley.

December is a time for reflection, and considering my Review of 2018 in Twinks became one of my most Googled articles, I thought I would give it another shot. From ‘yass queen’ moments like what happened to a certain MP in April to ‘Jesus Christ, did that actually happen?’ like what went on on a particular tube carriage at the start of last year.

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Celebrate the end of the decade by reviewing the most important moments in Twink history that happened in 2019!

January
The next station is ‘Westminster Magistrates Court’

Any Londoner will tell you how tightly packed the Northern line can get during rush hour. But for amateur porn stars George Mason and Nicholas Mullan the three stop tube journey between Leicster Square and Waterloo seemed the perfect location to film themselves (and a third) squeezing into the tightest of gaps. Former twink Mason and just narrowly passing as a former twink Mullan of Hung Young Brit fame (Google at your peril) were later charged with outraging public decency, but the anonymous third managed to get away scot free. Twitter naturally followed this saga with gay abandon, but it just goes to show that commuting really can be a pain in the arse!

February
Jack’d off? Users must be more pissed off.

February wasn’t looking great for twinks who had posted private photos on gay ‘dating’ app Jack’d. A security vulnerability on the app meant that any savvy hacker with an internet connection could download users’ intimate photos and chat messages that had been sent privately. Parent company Online Buddies was slow to make a fix, but after significant online uproar the Jack’d software glitch was patched.

March

The Guardian advice column is rarely a go-to for scandalous gossip but in March readers went wild for a salacious letter sent in by a bisexual man who realised during a family dinner that he had engaged in sexual liaisons with his future wife’s father- now that’s some serious daddy issues! The anonymous man wrote in his letter;

“I was going to propose, but when my partner and her mother were away, he told me to end it with his daughter.”

Pyscotherapist Pamela Stephenson Connolly wrote back to the gentleman politley encouraging him to end the whole affair, saying ‘Walk away now, and avoid the massive pain that would otherwise be inflicted on your partner.’ The story naturally gained traction on Twitter other news sites and twinks up and down the country were begging to find out who the father in question was so they could find their next daddy.

April

The gay calling sound of ‘yaaasss queen’ could be heard across the whole of the United Kingdom when shadow home secretary Diane Abbott was caught drinking a mojito from Marks and Spencer on the Overground. Abbott was partaking in what is a familiar activity for most east London twinks who all cackled with shrill glee at seeing the MP for Hackney North and Stoke Newington sipping away at the canned drink. The photo quickly went viral and Diane was crowned queen of the gays for her don’t-give-a-fuck attitude, though she did quickly release an apology on Twitter, shame.

May
Twink for Tat

Beauty vlogger and professional twink James Charles’s entire beauty empire nearly came crashing down when former role model and fellow social media influencer Tatti Westbrook decided to dramatically end her ‘friendship’ with Charles in a 43 minute YouTube video. The drama started when Charles promoted a rival vitamin pill to the one Westbrook sells and soon spiralled into the 37 year old accusing Charles of sexually taking advantage of straight men. Social media stars waded into the debate with Jefree Star saying Charles’s behaviour made him ‘a danger to society.’

Twinks across the world unfollowed James in their masses and big name beauty brands like Sephora, Fenty and Smashbox quickly followed suit. But this comes after a long line of scandles for the 19 year old, making anyone born after 1995 ask the question ‘why the fuck does anyone care about someone who makes a living uploading beauty drivel to YouTube?’

June
Old Town Road would make a great name for a gay bar.

American rapper/singer/songwriter and twunk Lil Nas X had quite a monumental year. At the end of pride in June he publically came out and went on to celebrate having the longest running number one in the US later in the summer. His catchy hit Old Town Road beat the previous Billboard record in July that had been held by Mariah Carey and Boys II Men since 1995. Old Town Road eventually dropped from the top position in August after spending a whopping 19 weeks at number one!

July
Code breaker and inventor of Grindr, Alan Turing.

Ultimate sugar daddy and Governor of the Bank of England Mark Carney announced in July that code breaker Alan Turing would be the face featured on the new polymer £50 note. Clever twink Turing was best known for devising code-breaking machines during World War 2, but his work played a pivotal role in the development of early computers. In 2013, Turing was posthumously pardoned by the Queen having been convicted of gross indecency for his relationship with a man in 1952.

August
Not a soggy bottom in sight!

A double whammy for twinks in August as the BBC announced which drag queens would be battling it out on RuPaul’s Drag Race. But the twink factor went off the scale at Channel 4 when they cast a plethora of soggy bottoms in this year’s Great British Bake Off. It appeared that Channel 4 had plucked a handfull of young fellas straight from G-A-Y. They included 20 year old Jamie, 26 year old Michael and 20 year old Henry. “I’d love to see his cream filling” said every homosexual and old lady across the country when former twink David Atherton was crowned 2019’s Bake Off champion.

September
A true French letter!

Fashionista twinks were in a frenzy when they caught wind that fashion house Saint Laurent were selling chic branded condoms. At the end of September Instagram was glowing with images of Saint Laurent’s gold wrapped condom collection. Though randy twinks sighed ‘quelle horreur’ in disappointed to discover that the condoms were only available at the house’s French concept store, Rive Droite. Seems a bit too far to go just for a French letter.

October
Charlie XCX with a douche and the anal cleaning aid that caused a storm online.

Meet and greets have become customary at pop concerts, fans will pay hundreds of pounds to shake the hands of their favourite artists. It was no different for Charlie xoxo XY chromosome (or whatever her name is) but one particular twink in her audience wanted a very personal item signed…his douche. Charlie XCX obliged and signed the blue anal cleaning aid, but before she could even crack a laugh about what had happened the twink in question had uploaded the photo to social media. Quell surprise then that the image went viral accompanied by thought pieces detailing the fan’s mysogny for making her sign the cleaning tool- though I’m sure Charlie XCX had a chance to decline the offer, no one should have been surprised that this ended in a pretty shitty situation for all involved.

November

This year RuPaul crowned The Vivienne the UK’s drag champion, but as she’s not a twink it can’t really count, though I’m sure Liverpudlian twinks were thrilled at the news because they now have a new RuPaul soundbite to add to their cannon- ‘I’m dripping’. However, in November retweets were mounting in their thousands when a video of 16 year old Jordan Steffy punching his bully went viral online. The video shows Steffy dishing out a series of impressive blows as his classmates look on in shock. Gays around the world were clapping their hands in priase at Steffy’s courage, wishing they could have channelled the same energy when they were in high school.

December
Corbyn: Every gay student union president’s ideal date.

Politi-twinks were left troubled and bereft in December after the general election didn’t serve up a Jeremy Corbyn government. Rose emojis were removed from display names on Grindr in a sombre touch to commemorate the downfall of Labour’s socialist movement. Corbyn, a twink trapped in a 70 year olds man’s body, has said he will step down as Labour leader later in 2020, to hopefully be succeeded by drag queen Emily Thornberry.

If you’ve enjoyed this run down of the twinkiest moments to have happened in 2019 why not follow me on Twitter?