Easter is a time when we remember the life and work of legendary performance artist Jesus Christ. Growing up in small-town Nazareth must have been hard for someone who had dreams and ambitions of being an internationally renowned cabaret magician.
I have often found it fascinating how people knew what Jesus did 2000 years ago, especially when you couldn’t tweet his miracles or go live on Facebook. It’s commonly understood that JK Rowling wrote the Bible just before she finished writing the second Harry Potter book. In it (the Bible, not the Chamber of Secrets) Jesus is said to have performed many miracles which leads me to believe that he was the Marina Abramovic of 28AD Nazareth.
He famously turned water into wine (total lad), played ready steady cook with five loaves and two fish and defied the laws of gravity by walking on water. He was a man of the people, he befriended Mary Magdalene the original cock destroyer, he healed the wounds of the poor and protested against gentrification by flipping the tables in the temple of Jerusalem, inspiring the iconic song Turning Tables by Adele.
In today’s terms, his career as a celebrity miracle worker and virtue signaler would have landed him a column in Cosmo and more likely, a guest spot on RuPaul’s Drag Race.
Yes, Jesus would have been up there with Ru, Michelle and the chubby, fun one watching a gaggle of drag queens lip-syncing to The Lord is My Shepard. It makes complete sense, anyone who has ever listened to Lord of the Dance will know it’s about mincing around G-A-Y Late clutching a gin and tonic, see the dance remix below.
As you know, before Jesus was crucified he was betrayed by Judas and arrested. The local police had been after him for a while because he hadn’t paid his television license fee. As was customary at the time, one prisoner could be released on winning a lip sync battle in front of a crowd of Drag Race stans. Jesus lost against Barabbas, lip-syncing to Madonna’s Like a Prayer, and was sentenced to be crucified- this is where the phrase ‘lip sync for your life’ originally comes from.
Jesus was crucified on the cross- graphic images were printed all over the tabloids and there was even a six-page pull out in the Daily Mail. After his death, Jesus’s body was wrapped in Vivienne Westwood scarfs and buried in a tomb with a Jo Malone candle.
But like Shangela’s surprise return in season three of RuPaul’s Drag Race, Jesus too made a comeback three days later. But when Jesus made his comeback his pals couldn’t recognise him- mainly because in those three days in the tomb he had a non-invasive facelift and a great chemical peel.
He decided to do his last ever performance a few weeks after this, which was an acoustic version of Whitney Houston’s I Will Always Love You- all very dramatic, but the people didn’t expect anything less. In this performance, which is still available to view on Youtube, Jesus ascended into heaven where he enjoyed £2.50 vodka cokes forever more.