As some of you might know, I’m a spiritual
bitch witch who posses powers far beyond this mortal realm. You can see my otherworldly powers in full flow at Gayeance, my cabaret seance at The Glory on Wednesday 31st October where I’ll be summoning the spirits of dead divas all night long!
But why not kick off your Halloween celebrations early with a bewitching spell to wow your friends and family! Using my mystic powers I’ve conjured up this fabulous little spell that you can use to summon the spirit of the nation’s favourite fag hag right in the comfort of your own home. Naturally, like all powers of the occult, this spell works best at night with the wind howling and Netflix’s The Story of Diana playing in the background.
Step 1) Light three candles in a triangle on the floor and recite the lines ‘there were three of us in this marriage, there were three of us in this marriage, there were three of us in this marriage.’
Step 2) Take the petals of an English rose and crush them in a pestle and mortar, add half a bottle of Moët & Chandon. Pour the mixture into a Charles and Diana commemorative mug. Drink the other half of the bottle.
Step 3) Using clippings from Daily Mail articles about the late princess, create a papier-mâché model of Elton John.
Step 4) Take a tea light and hold it out of an open window. Sing the chorus of Candle in the Wind on loop for at least 15 minutes.
Step 5) By this time the spirit of Diana will be close, you may even feel the sensation of a hand touching yours and have a compulsion to pout coyly. This is perfectly normal.
Step 6) Now is the time to throw a box of Duchy Organic eggs at a picture of Camilla Duchess of Cornwall. Don’t think about why you’re doing it- just do it.
Step 7) The spirit of Prinny Dinny will well and truly be among you! Feel free to ask her all your boy troubles, she’ll be more than willing to help- lord knows she’s had enough of them when she was alive. Or maybe ask her which selfie you should use as your Grindr picture? Or maybe just binge watch RuPaul’s Drag Race.
Step 8) By this time you’re probably bored with Lady Di and want her to go back to the afterlife. To banish her spirit smash the commemorative mug from step 2 and say ‘I lead from the heart, not the head’ and bang, she’ll be gone quicker than you can say H.R.H Diana Princess of Wales.
Step 9) Finally, buy a ticket to Gayeance before Princess Diana comes back to haunt you for the rest of your life.