It might come as a surprise that I, Theresa May am a huge fan of sodomy. That’s why I sat down with sodomy’s greatest superstar and ukulele maverick Lord Hicks who will be giving my G string a jolly good plucking at the third edition of Theresa May’s Legs Akimbo that’ll be coming back to The Glory on Friday 19th October.
Theresa: Lord Hicks, how lovely it is to meet you. Talk to me about your title, is it hereditary or bought from a funny website online?
Lord Hicks: If you must know, my illustrious lineage was brought into being by my great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather by bending over for James I
T: You’ve been fingering those ukulele strings for quite a while now, when did you first start playing?
L: I’ve been stroking my instrument for quite some time now. By this Christmas it will be almost a decade of stroking.
T: You’re known around the world in countries that haven’t blocked the use of Youtube or sensitive content for your songs about Grindr, what does it feel like being a viral sensation?
L: Well not much has changed but I did get spotted in CO-OP once. That was an exceptional circumstance. I usually shop in Waitrose.
T: Boris Johnson keeps sending me an aubergine emoji in his text messages. I know my red lentil aubergine moussaka is good, but I don’t think it warrants explicit text messages followed by pictures of common groceries. Could you explain what they mean?
L: The aubergine has risen to pre-eminence as symbolic of the male member. For some reason the readily-available icons of the cucumber and banana didn’t quite cut the mustard.
T: You recently came back from the Edinburgh Fringe, did you get to see Nicola Sturgeon’s one-woman show ‘Miss Independent: My Life in 00s R&B hits’?
L: No. But I did see that Ripley’s ‘Like A Sturgeon’ made quite the splash.
T: If I had any talent I sure wouldn’t be Prime Minister, but a girl’s got to pay the rent somehow! What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done for money?
L: Money? I’ve done atrocious things for love, but never money.
T: Do you think I have any hope in hell of still being Prime Minister next year? Just because I’m hoping to take up the ukulele next year and want to make sure I have enough time to practice.
L: I think if this country goes sailing of the precipice of a no-deal Brexit then you’ll have enough time to become the greatest virtuoso ukuleleist this generation has ever seen.