Summer is quite possibly the worst season of them all. Unbearable heat on public transport, overzealous barbecue enthusiasts and plodding tourist are just three of the many reasons why summer is an horrendous time of year. Not to mention we’ve had to endure the World Cup, but enough said about that the better.
Commuting in summer becomes exponentially worse when the inevitable hordes of tourists arrive eager eyed at tube stations across London. If my heart wasn’t so bitter and twisted I’d almost feel sorry for them. Imagine paying all that money to come all the way to London only to realise the pavements aren’t paved with gold, but paved with cigarette butts and old copies of the Evening Standard instead.
When I travel abroad (that’s anywhere beyond zone 5) I like to imagine I’m the ideal tourist. I try to make no fuss of understanding how their foreign transport systems work- ‘Did we get on the wrong train? Oh let’s not ask someone for help, let’s just be British and take it all the way to the end of the line…’ I try and immerse myself within their culture, once on an exotic trip to Edgeware I too pretended my life was bleak.
My only inconvenience to our foreign counterparts is that I severely lack in the linguistics department to ever muster up a sufficient conversation. But why should I be expected to speak Español in Spain or Français in France when everyone speaks the international language of interpretative dance?
I advocate that Sadiq Khan introduces a tourist license for anyone who lives outside of the M25 and wishes to enter London. To gain a license, tourists would need to complete a simple exam with a range of questions as basic as;
If the sign on the escalator says ‘please stand to the right’ which side of the escalator should you stand?
Until Mr. Khan takes my advice it looks like you’ll be needing to up your summer wardrobe game to deflect the inevitable gawping look of a lost tourist struggling their way through Leicester Square station at rush hour.
1) Serve ultimate shade
Nothing says ‘don’t you dare look at me’ quite like a pair of Versace Visor sunglasses. £211, Versace.com
2) Hit them with your best shot
‘I didn’t mean to push the group of tourists out of the way with my £135 blood red Longchamp Le Pliage shoulder bag …honest!’
3) Marina Abramovic realness
Channel your inner Marina Abramovic in this Valentino gown (£5,000). If a tourists stops you to ask for directions just stare blankly into their eyes until they run away crying.
4) High and mighty
Tower over the hordes of tourists struggling with their A-Zs of London in these fabulous Gucci high heeled loafers, a steal at just £795.
Simple! So just slip into those Gucci heeled loafers and rock those Versace sunnies, because this summer you won’t ever have to advise anyone on the quickest route to Madame bloody Tussauds.