Why don’t we just ban Jamie Oliver?

I’m not a psychologist but something tells me Jamie Oliver is going through a mid-life crisis. Personally, I can’t wait for my midlife crisis to happen. I hope come my mid forties  I suddenly have the urge to drop my camp as tits shtick and grow a trucker mustache and ride a Harley Davidson. But for Jamie Oliver it seems he’s slowly turning in to Oliver Cromwell, proposing a ban on anything that looks fun and naughty.

It all started with Turkey Twizzlers in 2005. Then three years later, he broadcast the slaughtering of a baby chick live on television. Later in 2008 he opened Jamie’s Italian which is arguably the most offensive thing he has done to date.

His new cause célèbre over 2-for-1 pizzas is aided and abetted by professional Janette Crankie impersonator, Nicola Sturgeon. Together they’re aiming to reduce childhood obesity in Scotland by banning the sale of ‘multi-buys that encourage over-consumption.’

Nicola Sturgeon gives Jamie Oliver the thumbs up on his 2 for 1 pizza ban.

Teaching kids how to eat healthily is great, I write this as I’m shoveling a forkful of chicken and chips into my mouth. But Jamie Oliver’s Oliver Cromwell routine doesn’t end there, he also wants cartoon ads used for peddling cereals to kids to be banished from sight.  In this dystopian-totalitarian-fat-free-no-sugar-state Tony the Tiger is the spawn of Beelzebub and Jamie Oliver is Lord Protector against coronary heart disease.

Tony the Tiger could face criminal charges if Lord Protector Jamie Oliver get his way. 

In my opinion, it would be far easier if we just banned Jamie Oliver outright. His puffy jowls have wreaked havoc for far too long, it’s time we fought back against this militant crusade. It’s time to burn your copies of The Naked Chef, bin those jars of Jamie’s Tomato and Basil Pasta Sauce and start eating your own body weight in Pukka Pies, viva la monounsaturated fat révolution!

I understand that Jamie is just trying to do his bit against cheap stodge clogging our arteries but surely it’s just as outrageous that Deliciously Ella charges £1.85 for a nugget sized ball of crushed almonds and dates? No wonder we would all rather guzzle ourselves to an early grave eating McChicken Sandwiches.

It always seems that Jamie Oliver has to stick his beak in whenever someone utters the phrase ‘e-numbers’, but there’s no surprise really, his sub-par restaurants are facing closure, left right and centre. It appears he needs all the PR he can get, but what he really needs is someone to slap the silly out of him. Jamie, you do you boo and let the rest of us stuff our faces.

Ban Jamie Oliver
Photo: Jamie Oliver standing outside a Jamie’s Italian in London that faces closure. 

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