The divorcee marrying the nation’s most eligible royal…oh wait this story is about you, not me. Am I still invisible? Can no one here me shouting ‘it should have been me’?
As royal provocateur and guardian of regal glamour, I HRH Princess Margaret, Countess of Snowdon must bestow upon you my gifts and wisdom to offer you hope as you embark on life with the Windsors.
In those bygone years when one had youth and charm on one’s side, one fell in love with the devilishly handsome divorcee Captain Townsend. The government and the church (headed by my oh so perfect sister Elizabeth) decided that my marriage to a divorced man would spell disaster and gave me the ultimatum, losing a man or losing one’s title and royal premiums. Quelle horreur. Tip number one dear, once you are in the firm do your utmost to never leave it. Nothing is worth losing the perks of being a royal.
Understandably, you must be nervous for the big day. If I had an empathetic bone in my body one would have sympathy for your plight. Unfortunately, I do not. Quick sticks and get yourself down that aisle. Act swift, this family can drop you faster than you can say ‘remember Sarah Ferguson, Duchess of York?’
It goes without saying, you must avoid Princess Beatrice and Eugenie like the plague. Save yourself the time cropping them out of wedding photos if you shed them now. No one can forget their audacious attire at the last royal wedding. My advice, steer well clear- at least 40 yards, though one would be tempted to execute a restraining order against them banishing them to a completely different continent.
Don’t be a plain Jane, stir s**t up dear. Poor Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge whose only claim to excitement is wearing a beige coat and getting pregnant. You are in prime position as beau to the sixth in line to the throne to do what you will, whenever you will. Be wildly inappropriate at every opportunity. One suggests you start by wearing a silk chiffon toga to formal dinners, and don the Queen’s jewellery collection at brunch.
My next tidbit of advice, make sure everyone knows exactly who you are where ever you go. For the rest of your life, everyone will curtsey and bow at the very mentioning of your name. Remember, with great power comes great responsibility. Do not just ask for a vodka lime soda, make sure the waiter knows it is a vodka lime soda for Meghan, Duchess of Sussex, it is your royal responsibility.
Witnessing many a familial tiff at Balmoral with the extended clan over the laborious Christmas festivities, my only solace would be a steady Dubonnet and gin to settle the tension. Admittedly, most of the tension was caused by myself throwing a sharp-tongued quip at Princess Anne. Always throw a sharp-tongued quip at Princess Anne.
You may feel that your family have come under a lot of scrutiny recently. Worry not, you will soon come to realise that you are marrying into the most dysfunctional family the country has ever seen. Families cannot always be perfect, just look at the track record of HRH Prince Andrew.
My final pearls of wisdom, stay stronger than the gin in your tonic and you should be fine my dear.
HRH Princess Margaret, Countess of Snowdon.