How to stop Cambridge Analytica stealing your data whilst looking like Anna Wintour.

The world was shocked to discover that the internet juggernauts had been spying on us for years. We now know that Facebook and Google, and probably every other website we’ve ever been on, know every iota of our lives and have been selling this data on so that companies can sell us shit we don’t even need. It’s all a bit George Orwell meets Mad Men if you ask me.

Obviously, these realisations went #global after the #CambridgeAnalytica scandal broke in the Observer newspaper. Who knew a cute, pink-haired otter could cause such drama. Still, I would deffo swipe right to Christopher Wylie even if he did have the capabilities of knowing every time I googled ‘why do I have so much flatulence?’

For years we’ve been lulled into a false sense of security that Facebook was just a place to vent our frustrations and watch videos of cats doing funny things. But every like, every follow and every message has built up a picture of us at Facebook HQ. I for one hope that my stored data portrays me as the perfect love child of Hyacinth Bucket and Julian Clary, but one can only hope.

Even apps like Grindr have been selling on people’s HIV statuses for money- we knew you were tacky Grindr, but that hits an all new low.

My accessory du jour this month promises to let you gain control of your life again, It’s the one and only flip phone. The sound of this humble retro throwback snapping shut will fill you with warmth, comfort and a sense of disengagement from the all too interconnected world.

phone flip GIF by Moto-downsized_large.gif
Enjoy the harmonious pleasures of a terrible polyphonic ringtone that will remind you of the days before smartphones took control of your life. Your inner Anna Wintour will be satisfied as you sassily hang up the phone with a precise snap! TTYL.

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