Gay power couple Tom ‘terracotta’ Daley and Dustin ‘makes dating a twink an Olympic sport’ Lance Black announced on Valentine’s day that they’re expecting a baby…brilliant news for the PR team behind Mr & Mr Daley-Lance Black who must be gleaming with joy at all the future cheques they’ll be able to bank.
This groundbreaking news will no doubt be covered so incessantly that their baby will already have more Twitter followers before it’s born than I could ever imagine having. I wouldn’t be half surprised if Attitude magazine had managed to scoop an exclusive interview with the surrogate’s uterus.
If like me you’re sat waiting with popcorn for the couple’s divorce papers to land, you’ll probably be asking yourself: ‘How can I avoid the Daley-Lance Black press parade and keep my own sanity?’
I have you covered! Over the next 9 months, the PR onslaught will be unbearable so follow these five tips extremely carefully.
Blacklist any mentioning of the pair on social media
Social media has turned Tom from lovable twink to insufferable PR maniac. You can barely go a day without his name or leaked photos of his arse flashing up on your timeline. You can easily mute words or accounts on Twitter (above) and web SocialFixer can stomp out any mentioning of the pair on Facebook- tres bien!
Build an underground bunker
Even if you throw your phone into an ocean you still might not be safe. Make like it’s the cold war and build yourself an underground bunker- if you start now you might just finish before the baby is due. If you’re not quite up to scratch with making nuclear style bunkers you might want to read this wikihow to help you out. Being trapped 30ft underground without a single hope of receiving any signal is a sure-fire way to avoid any further Tom Daley whoo-ha.
Escape to a remote island
Does the lack of vitamin D put you off building an underground bunker? Then fleeing to a remote island might just be the ticket. The island of Floreana in Ecuador boasts just 100 inhabitants and a single telephone. Avoid any mentioning of Tom Daley and Dustin Lance Black whilst soaking up that beautiful Ecuadorian sunshine!
Seek extensive hypnotherapy sessions
Maybe you don’t have enough money to up sticks and take a one-way flight to Ecuador? Hypnotherapy might just be your answer. If Paul McKenna can make you thin, I’m sure as hell he can make you forget that Tom Daley ever existed.
Become friends exclusively with Olympic gold medalists
Ditch everyone you know and vow to yourself that you will only be friends with people who have won gold at the Olympics. Luckily that’s a group Tom Daley won’t be found in.
Meow! Maybe I’m just jealous, I’d kill for washboard abs and millions of pounds in my bank account. Good luck to the
nanny couple that will soon be looking after a baby. It begs the question though, why would anyone ever want a child? What do you do with it when you want to get sloshed on gin with drag queens?
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