Well what a year 2017 has turned out to be! Anyone who followed last year’s resolutions will tell you how much of a fabulous impact they’ve had on them. So make 2018 a year to remember with 8 new resolutions that will keep your life on track 365 days of the year!
1) Become a performance artist and debut your work at the free weight section of the gym.
Gym goers will be amazed by your ability to pull objects out of bodily orifices whilst reciting spoken word, plus the Arts Council will love how you’re bringing the ‘arts’ to real people.
2) Purchase an annual subscription to Tatler magazine and pretend you’re a member of the aristocracy.
If your 2017 was drab, you should try carrying a copy of Tatler wherever you go. Adding a weight of sophistication, it’s an accessory that will keep your head held high throughout 2018. Do remember to change your name though, nothing outs you as a commoner quite like a plain surname.
3) Follow Princess Margaret’s morning ritual to live a more fulfilled life.
Anyone who’s watched ‘The Crown’ will know that the real star of the Royal Family is HRH Princess Margaret. Craig Brown’s biography of Margaret Windsor ‘Ma’am Darling’ reveals that her morning routine consisted of breakfast in bed, a vodka pick me up at 12.30 and a large glass of red with her four-course lunch. No wonder she looked so radiant- all that alcohol must have killed any toxins lurking in the Countess’ system.
4) Wear sequins to the office to dazzle your boss into giving you a promotion.
A drab formal wardrobe of clothes deemed ‘office appropriate’ is what is coming between you landing that promotion you deserve. Ditch anything that needs to be ironed in 2018 and put on some sequins. Wow your colleagues by wearing a different sequinned jumpsuit every day of the week.
5) Keep reminding yourself that too much is never enough.
2018 is all about living life to excess, after all, we might not be here to see 2019. Were you just about to leave the house wearing only one bangle? Wear as much jewellery as your body can take. If your bangles, beads and rings aren’t giving you early onset arthritis you aren’t doing your own personal style justice.
6) Turn your living room into a topiary maze.
Indoor plants had a great success in 2017, so why not go that extra step and turn your living room into a topiary maze? Amaze your guests as they enter a wild scene of greenery in your lounge, plus you may even be able to lose the friend you never liked forever if you create a sophisticated enough arrangement.
7) Increase your use of the word ‘ghastly’ to avoid boring conversations.
Ghastly is quite positively my favourite word. Appropriate to use in any conversation e.g ‘that Grindr hook-up was absolutely ghastly’, ‘the way that queen spoke to me was ghastly, does she not know who I am?’ Once you have suitably managed ‘ghastly’ try ‘sanguine,’ then ‘cornucopia’ before you know it you’ll be a world champion Scrabble player.
8) Ditch selfies, instead make self portraits.
I’m all for self-love, except selfies can become a bit repetitive even if you’re using the twinky dog face filter. Instead, why not channel your inner Frida Kahlo throughout the whole of 2018? Mono-brows aren’t your thing? What about discovering your inner Van Gough, just try not to cut your ear off in the process.