So you’ve gotten over the hangover that was the entire year of 2016 and what a year it was. The champagne bottles from your NYE celebrations are piled high in the recycling bin and you are determined to make 2017 the best year yet. I promise you my New Years Resolutions will bring you happiness and joy all year round!
Our first resolution comes from the late great Zsa Zsa Gabor whose wit and humour served her well in her ninety-nine years of being a fabulous diva. Like Zsa Zsa you’re too fabulous to remember people’s names so save time by just simply calling everyone ‘darling.’ Soon enough you’ll be as iconic as Ms. Gabor.
Getting organised is such a bore that’s why this year your New Years resolution should be to hire a personal assistant. Hiring a P.A will allow you to live out your Devil Wears Prada fantasy everyday, plus making someone else do your dirty work will alleviate the bags under your eyes and your wrinkles will practically melt away!
2016 was drab. If it was a shoe it would be a once-white-now-grey gym plimsoll with a fraying lace. 2017 is all about being outrageous at every opportunity that’s why you should sport nothing less than a Vivienne Westwood platform shoe to the gym this year. So what if it’s impractical, you’ll turn heads at your next pilates class, trust me!
Take self-care to the next level in 2017 by updating your mode de transport to an Uber Lux. Need to go to Sainsburys for some last minute essentials? Wow your neighbours and other shoppers by being chauffeured in a Mercedes-Benz, they don’t need to know you’re only popping in for some Doritos and dip.
New Years resolutions should be all about learning new skills. Take stage combat lessons with your best friend every week from now until April. Rehearse a convincing catfight à la Alexis and Krystle in Dynasty and you should be ready to show back your scene in a short vignette outside Selfridges. Make sure you’re wearing your finest shoulder padded jacket to add extra drama.
After all these bank holidays you’ve forgotten what a working week feels like. That’s why in 2017 your resolution should be to drink a whole bottle of gin after work every Monday. It’ll be Friday by the time you’ve become compos mentis and your week will simply fly by!
Dedicate your time in 2017 to spending less of it with your family, instead hang out with drag queens and other nightlife wenches. After all if you don’t know a drag queen, you don’t know how to have fun!