Originally written for EQ View.
Olly Murs, everyone’s favourite beige singer bar Sam Smith, has hit the headlines outing himself as (20%) gay. I’m surprised that given his personal branding of ‘preppy Topman model wannabe’ he doesn’t score higher on the gay-o-meter. Of course, we can all lampoon him, and while many took to twitter to problematise his use of equating ‘campness’ to ‘homosexuality’, others tweeted their elation. Poor Olly’s probably never heard of the Kinsey Scale, created in 1948 to document and describe a person’s sexuality. But Mr. Kinsey wasn’t the first to try and figure out sexual orientation. In fact, there are over 200 notable scientific scales to measure sexuality to date…so I thought it was high time I gave it a go and created my own, tongue in cheek gay-o-meter!
These handy little info-graphics will help you determine the hardest question of all time: ‘What percent gay am I?’
Over at 0% we’ve got patriarchy himself. He’s so masc that he can only converse in short guttural grunts and he’s also a top LAD.
Speaking of lads, the cultural phenomenon which is the ‘Lads on Tour’ is a hotbed for ‘innocent’ lad-on-lad homoerotica. Have you ever been drunk and fully stripped in Kavos with the lads smacking each other’s bum not, understanding why you’re enjoying it? Chances are you’re at least 17% gay.
Olly Murs is taking #JustTheTip with his measly 20% gayness- sad face emoji.
Moving things up a notch we have Calvin Kleins, the perfect way to keep your package nicely packaged. Except if you’re paying a little too much attention to the package on the package, chances are, you guessed it – you’re a 27% homosexualist.
Man bags, once an accessory of homophobic ridicule, now every man’s accessory du jour! However, as Freud once said, the bigger the bag the bigger the chances of being gay…(cannot confirm if this is true).
Be honest, no matter gay, straight or asexual, we’ve all looked at Tom Daley and thought, wow- what a unique shade of terracotta. If you find yourself uttering phrases such as ‘Tom Daley is such a great sportsperson’, you’ve probably ogled at him for far too long and you’re looking at a percentage of around 40 on the gay-o-meter.
Yes. Chai Lattes are gayer than Tom Daley, no need for an explanation.
Ding dong, we’ve passed straight no-man’s land! You have Grindr but probably also wear ill fitting shirts in a non ironic way. You can quote Will and Grace but you question why Alan Carr needs to be quite as camp on T.V. You’re a is-he-isn’t-he gay, the type that confuses grandmothers and straight men alike.
If you own the complete box set of Absolutely Fabulous, you are statistically 15% more gay than anyone who’s ever done drag…once.
Cranking it up a bit at 70% is Elton John when he had a wife. Poor little Renate Blauel didn’t realise her beau was one of the biggest homosexuals in showbiz! Not to worry, she joins the likes of Angela Lansbury, Judy Garland and her own daughter Liza for marrying soon to be gay men. Cheer up Renate, it happens to the best of us!
Once a woman came on to me in a bar, I was so startled that all my face could do was make an emotion that said ‘Ooh Matron’, rendering me at least 75% gay.
This is the gay real deal! If you find yourself following Common Gay Boy on twitter and having a G-A-Y membership you’re more than likely above 75% homo on the gay-o-meter.
You’re probably so gay that when you look at a banana you don’t think of its phallic possibilities, rather you imagine it as a glorious headpiece a la Carmen Miranda.
If you have candelabras on every marbled surface of your house, or even a few marabou feathers floating around your wardrobe, you’re Liberace level gay roughly around a solid 96% homo which is only 4% off being a fully qualified professional homosexual- the level that I personally attempt to attain on a daily basis.
With more than just a City and Guilds in fine homosexualism, you fully fledged homos still speak Polari whilst polishing your Garland discography. If you’re in this category, you undoubtedly make Julian Clarey look like a construction builder and consider RuPaul’s Drag Race a contact sport. You wear ostentatious scarfs and say words like maquillage and sanguine. You’re au fait with Wilde and wouldn’t dream of leaving the house without a dab of rouge. You don’t need to ask yourself ‘what percent gay am I?’ because quite frankly you breath homosexuality – your blood group is gay, your shoe size is gay, you eat gay food, you wear a feather boa to catch the train and think rhythmic gymnastics is the best way to get from A-B. You’re what everyone should strive for!
Murs has a long way to go until he’s up with the ranks of Quentin Crips, but I think with a bit of effort he can make it!